Eight. Eighteen. TwentyTen.

I’m not really sure how or when it happened.
And by “it” I mean summer.

It’s funny because my last entry was one of excitement and relief…and this post is one of bewilderment and prostration. Why? Because it’s over. The summer has ended. The staff are all back in their own lives. The long awaited Apostle Program that Will and myself poured into months in advance has come and pass.

They are gone. The campers, the staff. Everyone, minus the few remnants left behind who live at camp, or have stayed to work through September (like me). Although I am not at camp currently, I feel the void, I can hear the silence – a silence that rings louder than any bell at camp. It’s over.

So, many of you are probably wondering, “Okay, so what happened?” And the truth is, I’m not sure. My mind is so rattled from the sudden halt of summer ending that I am still scrambling to pick up the pieces the summer has thrown at me without explanation. I apologize if any one of you four readers was hoping to gain something from this post, but I’m afraid I have little of substance to offer. They only thing I can honestly say at this point (and it may not mean much) is that the Holy Spirit happened. So much. Everywhere. In everyone.

I say this in complete honesty: I have never in my entire life been in a place so saturated by God in all three persons: Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit. I’m overwhelmed when I reflect back on the intense and subtle ways God worked in and through the staff, as well as the campers, over the past two months. I have stories beyond stories of answered prayers – too many for one short post.

However, I guess I can glean from these scattered memories a few core things God revealed to me this summer. I can feel him chiseling away at my heart, carving into it something that I have yet to see strictly because of all the dust that surrounds it.

Okay. You ready? They are a little intense, so if you were wanting a brief, washed-out version of God’s work in my life, then ask me when I have bronchitis and I’ll give it to you then.
For the full, unrated and unedited version, scroll on….

Without going into extreme details, I was challenged in myself as a person in two ways.
I was placed carefully in a position this summer that I really had no idea what to do with. My position was the Female Lead. I wasn’t the Director, I wasn’t a counselor, I was…well, I was quite unsure in the beginning of the summer what exactly I was. I felt dispensable and had no idea how to do the job I was given. I knew how to plan the seminars, I knew how to do the workshops, and I knew the schedule like the back of my hand – and yet I had no idea how to be the Female Lead. I had lead high schoolers before and even mentored young girls since I was a freshman in college; but how was I to lead my peers, the Apostle counselors? I was clueless on what the line was between mentorship and leadership, but it was clear that my position was not one of mentoring. However, God, being forever faithful and good, revealed to me one huge point, that it wasn’t about me and my position. He yelled and he whispered – in both volumes he told me to do one thing: pray.
So that is what I did. I prayed. I prayed more than I ever have in my entire life. When everyone else was charging upstairs at 11:30pm for cereal parties, I was going to bed early to pray and get enough sleep to wake up early the next morning and pray.
Now I do not say this to “toot my own horn.” No, on the contrary, God revealed to me that this summer what out of my control, and I could only pray for God’s will to be done in place of my own. You see, as a counselor I had power and control, to some degree. I could control how many one-on-ones I was having with the girl campers, what information was being received and given, and could even cater my prayers to meet the specific needs I had heard straight from them. However, as Female Lead, I did not have time to have one-on-one’s with every one of the girl campers. I didn’t know everything that was going on in every conversation. I was clueless as to what was going on in their deeper lives for majority of the campers.
This was the greatest challenge of my summer. I was called to relinquish all my personal control, as well as my pride, and hand these campers over, fully, into the care of their Mighty and Sovereign Creator God.
And God answered. Like, he really answered. He gave me insight and wisdom into the group’s specific needs all because I just asked. He was so faithful in answering prayers and showed me his true beauty and care through it. He revealed to me that confidence as a leader comes only when I was walking in his foot steps and trusting in his understanding rather than my own.
Make sense?

Okay, secondly, my confidence was tested in who I am as a woman.
I was given the opportunity to allow what one person thought of me dictate my entire view of self. And yes, this was a boy. So silly.
Without getting into too much detail, I was left to believe, without him realizing it, that I was just not good enough. He said nothing to me directly, and I believe he actually meant what he said as a compliment; and yet, Satan allows things to be distorted in our minds, taking what should have been a compliment and convincing me that what I have to offer is limited and just not good enough.
However, in this case, as well as in the case of my leadership qualities, I can come before you and say that I stood the test, and did not succumb. I kept myself in the love of God all summer, which allowed for me to have a clear self-view – one that is so grounded in God’s love for me that I couldn’t see anything else. I was tempted to let myself be defined by one person, whose opinion really does not pull much weight, not because he sucks, but because it is God’s opinion of me that I value far more than anyone else’s. And as a people pleaser, this is a hard thing to learn and continue to put into practice.

I have so much more that I have taken from this summer, but I fear that it may be quite some time before I can fully see and understand all that God did.
I am confident that God worked forcefully this summer, in both the camper’s lives, and especially in mine. He taught me to trust the sound of his voice, he helped me discern my gifts, and revealed to me, even more than before, how much value I have simply in being alive.

I love Jesus. That has not changed. But my understanding of how much Jesus loves me is something God continues to reveal to me time and time again. Maybe this is what he is chiseling into my heart – and it is only when he blows away all the dust that I can see his love for me clearly.

I really don’t know. Anything. At all. I’ll let you know when I do.

Thanks for reading. I think I have five followers now! So thank you, my devoted four, and welcome new number five!

Love you all.

Shalom. Ahava. Tikvah.