Twelve.TwentyThree.Ten.

Hi Fab Four. It's been a long time.

Miss me?

Let's jump right in.

I have no possible way to write down everything God has been teaching, revealing, drilling into me. So I'll just focus on one idea....

Derek Webb has this song that goes like this,

"I ran across an old box of letters

While I was baggin up some clothes for Goodwill

You know I had to laught that the same old struggles

That plagued me then are plaguing me still

I know the road is long from ground to glory

But a boy can hope he's getting some place

But you see, I'm running from the very clothes I'm wearing

And dressed like this I'm fit for the chase."

I have always clung to those lyrics because it IS me. I look back at journals from high school and college and I realize that the things I struggled with then are things I struggle with now. Sure, they have taken a somewhat new shape, but at their core they are same insecurities and doubts.

And just like Derek says, a girl can hope she's getting SOMEWHERE, right?

For me, this overall struggle of my life (which I know is the theme for many, if not all people) is Identity.

It begs the question "Who am I?"

Any woman can stand next to me and say they have questioned this before, and maybe are questioning it right now. A dear friend and mentor of mine has an incredible blog and a ton of wisdom. She once wrote that world (and sometimes the church) gives us many ideas of feminine excellence, oftentimes leaving us with the idea that you're either too much or not enough.

And it's true. At least for me.

For years I struggled with anxiety and insecurity due to the fact that I had no idea who God really was and how big He truly is. But as I dug into God's word, God grew bigger, and I grew into a deeper security where I fall perfectly in his shadow and take on the form of his Son through the power of the Holy Spirit, therefore pricing me at a worth far greater than I realized.

However, you would think (or at least I did) that once you receive revelation like this you don't forget. You would think I would be the most secure person in the world. And you would think that nothing could ever threaten my identity.

FALSE.

My identity continues to be threatened, either through the media, relationships, my own lack of grace on myself, or my job. I go through waves of confidence and doubt. But the monumental difference between high school me and post-college-not-super-established-but-loving-what-I-do-me is this:

The idea I am faced with is no longer "Who am I?", but rather "Who I am..."

I no longer need to search for my identity or figure out who God created me to be, because I know. And although the enemy loves to try and make me forget that (and at times I allow myself to forget it too), I remember that I already know, I just need reminding.

Maybe that does nothing for you, but it comforts me beyond words. To know that I do know who I am is a peace that transcends all understanding; and to know that my identity is not contingent on the mistakes I make or the trials I face comes as a sigh of relief for someone who struggles with granting herself very little grace (I'm working on it....).

I'm enjoying, and really struggling, with reminding myself of Who I Am. Recently, due to certain relationships with friends and family, I have been forced to face issues that have been locked up, issues that the Lord is calling me to face head on. Scary stuff.

Because who wants to run at their biggest fear?

But that is what we do -- the righteous. We are as bold as a lion. We run at our fears because we know that our Savior is running right next to us, ready to catch us if we fall and ready to celebrate when we overcome.

So I'm running. And I'm tired. But I'm so thankful that my God takes time and care to refine me into the woman he designed ME to be...the woman He loves deeply.

UGH. That felt good.

Now I'd like to thank all my friends who have listened to me vomit out all my anxiety and stress, you know who you are. Your prayers mean so much to me. I love the family God has given me both in South Bay and in Santa Cruz. I'm blessed.

SHALOM!